


there's no one here (to hear my fall)

by lilourryangst



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-04
Packaged: 2018-03-28 23:56:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3874768
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilourryangst/pseuds/lilourryangst
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>zayn's been in love with louis for what feels like his entire life. louis doesn't feel the same way. he never did.</p>
            </blockquote>





	there's no one here (to hear my fall)

**Author's Note:**

> this is disgusting and it's exactly how angry i am about 2013 zayn&louis. i'm disgusted. this is disgusting.

There wasn’t much to it, really. One day Louis was kissing Zayn, the way he always did, whimpering sweetly underneath him and scratching up his back, and the next he was drawn into himself, his arms around his knees, not letting up even when Zayn made him a cup of tea and cuddled with him for an hour and a half in the hotel room. Zayn could tell something was really wrong, but he didn’t want to make any assumptions. He didn’t want to deal with it at all.

Louis didn't do so much as look at Zayn the next day. Zayn wanted to kiss him, hug him, loosen up his limbs the way that he was always able to. Louis clearly didn't want that, and Zayn was confused, but respectful.

The thing is, Liam seemed to know what was going on. Zayn didn’t know how, but if he had to hazard a guess, he’d say that Louis confided in him before he even thought about letting Zayn know about what was making him so upset. Zayn was too tired to be offended about it.

Liam looked upon the two of them sadly when they were watching Iron Man three days later, and looking back on it, Zayn thinks he should have known, the way Liam kept glancing at him, eyes filled with pity. He wanted to ask, but he didn’t want to hear an answer. Louis grabbed Liam’s hand discreetly from where he was sitting on the floor. Liam gave his hand a squeeze and Zayn tried to conceal the fact that he was looking. Zayn heard the hitch in Louis’ breath as clear as day but no one said anything about it and Liam only grabbed his hand tighter. Zayn thought to himself, _maybe I should ask about it later_ , but he knew he wouldn’t.

After about a week, Zayn barely saw Louis at all. He searched for him high and low, in hotel rooms and tour buses, but Louis was evading him skillfully. Whenever Zayn managed to cross his path, Louis simply mumbled some excuse and fled the room, leaving Zayn breathless, staring after him.

Niall was the only one who would really talk to him at all, and it was refreshing to not have to think about everything that was going on. Zayn hadn’t seen any of his family in three months, and he hadn’t had time to call his mom in a few weeks. The tour was tiring him out quickly and thoroughly and his head was pounding more often than not. He was feeling really down about it all, but luckily Niall managed to take his mind off of it. Well, most of it.

Zayn tried to spend some time with Harry as well, and for all his frustratingly introverted nature, he reached out to Harry surprisingly often, offering a beer and a chat, or a movie, or a game. Harry always had something else to do, though, and Zayn got really down about that, too. Whenever Harry looked like he could actually use some company, Louis whisked him away without a word. There was no hope.

It was when Zayn and Niall were about to head outside with a skateboard and a pack of beer that Louis grabbed Zayn’s arm without a word and dragged him into the next room. Zayn’s surprise was written clearly on his face, but Louis paid that no mind. Zayn quickly wondered whose room this was. He looked around and found that Liam’s stuff was on the bed, but Liam was nowhere to be seen.

Zayn made a questioning sound turned to face Louis.

Louis wouldn’t look him in the eyes. “We need to talk.”

“Lou, I -”

“Please, don’t say anything.” Louis’ voice was high and wispy, but Zayn heard a certain edge in it. Zayn’s heart was breaking before his mind could even catch up and ask why.

“So you want to talk _at_ me, then?” Zayn said, angry despite himself. “That’s not a proper conversation, Louis.” The first time this boy talked to him in days and he wouldn’t even let Zayn get a word in.

Zayn sat on the bed and slumped over himself and Louis stood in front of him awkwardly. His arms were crossed over his chest in a decidedly defensive manner. He looked so small in this moment, and Zayn almost reached out for him, but he didn’t know where they stood or whether that was an appropriate thing to do right now.

“We -” Louis started, but cut himself off. He seemed to be contemplating what to say, or more likely if this was even a good conversation to have in the first place. “We can’t mess around anymore, Zayn. I’m really sorry.” Louis finished lamely, staring at the floor.

That wasn’t an explanation, Zayn thought numbly. More than anything, Zayn couldn’t stop his intrusive thoughts from screaming about how he never considered it ‘messing around’, but he couldn’t bring himself to say that out loud.

After a few moments where it was clear Zayn wouldn’t be speaking, Louis continued. “I’ve been - I’ve been talking with Haz and I - I’m really sorry. We’ve been working things out for the past few days. I didn’t know I was in love with him.”

It was said so quietly that Zayn wasn’t even sure that he had heard correctly. He was sure his heart stopped beating, and a few seconds later it started up again, pounding against his ribs at a rapid pace.

He looked up at Louis, his traitorous eyes shining. Wisps of hair were falling into Louis’ eyes, framing his cheeks, catching on his eyelashes. Zayn thought Louis had never looked so beautiful than he did in this moment, where every word that he spoke was like the twist of a dagger in Zayn’s heart and his brain and his throat.

Every breath seemed like a rake through him. He didn’t know what to do. He wanted to simply accept Louis’ statement and get the fuck out of there.

“You didn’t love me.” That’s not what Zayn meant to say.

Louis looked confused. “What?”

“You didn’t -” Zayn’s voice caught in his throat, and he gave up his attempt at speaking. His eyes shone even brighter with unshed tears. He could feel them. He turned his chin to his shoulder and tried desperately to ignore his own trembling breaths.

Realization dawned in Louis’ eyes, and they sparkled with tears. “Oh my god.”

The room was silent to an almost painful degree. Louis stopped breathing, whereas Zayn’s breaths came quicker and quicker. It was the only sound that could be heard between the two of them.

Louis looked about ready to cry. “You never told me that. You never fucking told me.” It wasn’t said with hate, not in the slightest.

Zayn shrugged. “I thought you knew.” That wasn’t true, but telling a lie was better than facing the fact that Zayn didn’t care about what Louis knew or didn’t know, as long as he was kissing him. “I was, like, okay with it when you never said anything, because I thought you just knew.” _Lies, lies, lies_. Zayn shrugged again, feeling weak. “I guess I was wrong.”

 _I love you i love you i love you i love you iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou_. Zayn’s heartbeats bled so much love and Louis never fucking knew.

He felt betrayed by himself. He felt like shit.

Louis was really crying now, wringing his hands - hands almost entirely covered by the sleeves of his sweater. His eyes were glistening in the soft light of the room and Zayn had never been so entranced and angry and sorrowful all at once.

Louis’ voice was breaking with every breath he took, and he made several aborted attempts at speech that made Zayn’s heart ache. Somewhere along the way Louis had begun sobbing, trying to hide his torso with his arms, trying his best to disappear as his chest shook and his throat released high whines and choked-off whimpers. Zayn almost laughed, but if he did it would have been hollow, bitter. Louis was acting as if his heart was the one breaking. It may have been, but not really in any way that mattered. It would heal.

“Y-You’re my b-best mate, Z-Zayn. I want - want you to know. You’re my best - “ Louis gave a full-body shudder, and Zayn felt helpless.

“Louis.” Zayn didn’t know what to say after that.

Louis took a step back, and left the room as quickly as he could. He shut the door behind him with a small click.

Zayn only noticed the tears on his cheeks when the sound of Louis’ footsteps disappeared.

He cried himself to sleep that night in Liam’s bed. Liam found him an hour later and gently climbed into bed behind him, giving a small kiss to his hair and sleeping next to him through the night.

 

 

 

Things resumed. They had to, Zayn figured, and no amount of empty nights and cigarettes could stop the flow of their songwriting and performing.

Everyone always told Zayn that things like growing up and travelling and love and heartbreak would inspire him. He assumed they meant inspiration to draw, to paint, to sing, to write, but Zayn just felt drained. Louis and Liam started spending a lot of time together, writing and forming melodies and messing about in studios and hotel rooms. Zayn could hear Louis’ laughter from rooms away, and he just burrowed further into his sheets and tried to forget the fact that his heart was broken into dozens of pieces.

He hadn’t worked up the courage to talk to Harry about it. Harry was always so sweet to him, smiling and hugging him, and Zayn felt like the biggest dick on the planet. Harry didn’t seem to know about what Louis and Zayn had been, and while Zayn felt that it was unfair, he also didn’t feel that it was his place to tell him.

He wanted to scream it out loud, loud enough for the earth and the heavens to hear it. But he couldn’t do anything more than eat and sleep and walk aimlessly around the stage only barely remembering when to sing his solos. Louis pitied him, he could tell. Louis swiped him up and let him fall and didn’t even care enough about him to pick up the pieces.

Zayn got so tired. So, so tired. Louis left him so broken after so long. Louis stayed with him long enough to realize that Zayn wasn’t what he wanted. Zayn cried a lot more than he’d like to admit because Louis was the fire in his heart and he could still feel it burning when Louis kissed Harry in the next room over. And he hated him for it.

Louis was still his best friend, though. Zayn hurt so much inside every day but he couldn’t bear to let his friendship end. He wasn’t ready to let Louis go.

 

 

 

Zayn left the band eventually. He didn’t want to be there when the boys found out, so he took a leave from the tour and told them by text.

Louis called him on Skype that night and just cried. It must have been four in the morning where he was. Zayn was on the verge of tears himself but he just listened to Louis’ sobs and unintelligible insults and let him tire himself out. Zayn ended the call when Louis fell asleep.

 

 

 

They only talked about it once more, a few months after Harry and Louis got married. Zayn was in his pants and nothing else, writing songs and poems and whatever else came to mind, and Louis called him. Zayn stared at the screen of his phone for a few seconds before picking up.

They greeted each other like they always did, fond and sweet. Louis told Zayn about this new alternative-pop sort of band he discovered and about how sure he was that they would make it big. Zayn informed Louis about the new single he was working on with a rising pop star. They chatted about Liam’s newborn baby and their opinions regarding Harry’s new haircut, among other things. It was a slow, happy, easy conversation, until a long pause in which Zayn could hear Louis breathing on the other end.

“I . . . I always felt like I did love you like - like _that_ , Zayn.” Louis gave a short sigh. “Sorry, I don’t know why I said that. I just . . . thought you should know. I did love you.”

Zayn knew what it meant and he knew that it didn’t matter. It was over and done and Louis would never feel like that about him ever again. “Apparently not enough.”

Louis coughed, and when he spoke again, his voice sounded smaller. “I’m sorry I never realized.”

Zayn hummed. “It’s not your fault, Lou.”

Louis hesitated for a moment. “Do you still love me? In that way?”

Zayn closed his eyes and leaned back, closing his journal, feeling the dull pang of his heartbeat ache in his chest. “Yeah, I do.” No point in lying. Nothing that he ever did would ever get him anywhere with a man who was already in love and married.

“Oh.” Louis sounded far away from himself.

“It’s no big deal,” Zayn said. And that, that one there was a lie, but it was only said so that he could make himself feel better.

“Oh, okay.”

Zayn and Louis said their goodbyes and they never talked about it again after that.

They were still friends until the end. Zayn would never be ready to give that up.

They weren’t perfect, but they were okay, and that was more than either of them could have asked for.

**Author's Note:**

> so um, yeah, this is kind of headcanon-y bc most of my zouis feelings are about larry (just like most of my nouis and lilo feelings are about larry???)
> 
> i feel like zayn and louis probs kissed each other a lot especially in the earlier years, and i also feel like it was rlly one-sided.
> 
> idk this is rlly pointless and sad and frustratingly fast-paced i'm sorry if i wasted your time
> 
> also 'i won't mind' was about zouis thanks


End file.
